Do not collect $200

Current mood: determined

For years (decades actually) I’ve suffered from a horrific obsession. It’s just horrible. Results in devastating physical abnormalities that are quite the eyesore. It’s embarrassing and shameful.
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I am...
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a nail-biter.

Yep. Do you see? Just awful.

So today, on a complete and utter whim stemming from a brief moment of determination to grow 10 beautiful nails, I pulled my truck into CVS and marched my happy little butt over to the Nail Care section.

After a few moments of debate over various products, I left with $21 of guarantees and 5-day promises.

One of those guarantees was a product I used as a child. A bitter polish that is meant to remind the nail-biter that his or her fingers have unknowingly made their way to his or her mouth.

Holy. Freaking. Cow. This product has been vastly improved since I was a child. When I was 10 years old, I would continue to bite right through the bitter and kinda laugh at how "tough" I was. But now... new and improved formula sent my tongue running for the hills!

Bad bad bad stuff, I tell you! Straight to Jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I managed to keep my nails out of my mouth... and you won’t see me pull the TV down on my head twice.

But what’s worse is this... the muscle memory stored in my arms still managed to occasionally bring my fingers to the general mouth area (even if remaining clear of actually passing go). My fingers, as if teasing, simply rested on my chin, or my cheek, or even at times brushed my lips. And that, my friend, was the kiss of death.

You see, whatever bitter was on my fingernails, passed to my lips even with the smallest of brushes. So, when I’d lick my lips... yep, you guessed it! Running for the hills again.

Bad bad bad stuff, I tell you! Straight to Jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Erhgyshkelrsl... yick!

But hey, one of the other many products I bought in my desperate attempt to be a girl with pretty hands was a nail growing formula that guarantees 300% longer nails in just 5 days. 5 days, people!

And if not, then I’ll spend $2.83 in postage to ship the unused portion and receive a refund of $7.49. (and if that sounds convincing, there’s this bridge...)

So give me $21, 5 days, 4 products and 10 beautiful nails. We’ll see.

And now, I’d like to close by saying something wise like