Tuesday, January 22, 2008

just a little banter
Current mood: feisty


At work today, I was Googling the key words Feel, Think, Act for an upcoming event with an obscure theme I had in mind. In doing so, I stumbled upon the following article (written by a man) detailing how single men can attract single women. I seriously got a good laugh at this Mr. DeAngelo who fancies himself an expert on what women think. Not once did he reference having asked single women for their opinions. In fact, he boldly boasts that he is self-taught and is willing to impart his sought-after knowledge that some men will die never knowing. How incredibly generous of him.

Okay, if you're one of my Myspace friends, then you know me (I don't accept invites from folks I don't know). With that being said, then you also know that I can be very opinionated if I see an opportunity to poke fun - not really taking any of it seriously or to heart – so I hope you find this as entertaining as I did.

If you're reading this from my public Blogspot page and don't actually know me, then consider this fair warning. And hey, go back and read some of my posts from years past (starting back in Los Angeles) and you will quickly learn. The more fun I can make of know-it-alls, the better. As a matter of fact, Mr. DeAngelo reminds me of Mr. Ferrari-driver with the F-1 transmission (some of you will remember that rant).

Below, you will find my notes in blue.

What Women HATE Most About Single Guys

By David DeAngelo

If you listen to a group of attractive, single women talking alone over dinner or drinks, the topic will always turn to MEN. And in most cases, it will eventually turn into a RANT session about how hard it is to find good men to date... Which will lead to a FULL-ON RAG SESSION about men in general... And wind up with a detailed list of all the traits guys have that are ANNOYING AS HELL. (Right now, what I find annoying as h-e-double-hockey-sticks is the fact that you keep CAPITALIZING random words – and yes folks, he continues to do this throughout the entire article.)

The reality is that single women have an entire laundry list of traits, qualities, and characteristics that they HATE in single guys. Did you know this? I didn't think so. Well, the truth is that up until a few years ago, I didn't know this either.

So take heart in the idea that you're about to learn something that most men on this planet will DIE not knowing. (Big head.) My hope is that what I'm about to share with you will change how you interact with women FOREVER... and help you meet and date more of the kinds of women you're interested in. (Oh please, do share.)

FRIENDSHIPS AND ROMANCE

For women, friendships and romantic relationships are two separate things. They are NOT the same. One can lead to another, but it's RARE when it happens.

Remember that. One CAN lead to another, but it's RARE.

"Romantic" relationships are very different from "friend" relationships. (Is this guy getting paid for these revelations?)

While most men would sleep with most of their female "friends" if the woman "came on" to them, most women would NOT sleep with most men that they consider "just friends". (Bologna. I believe not one of my male friends would actually proceed to sleep with me if I came on to them. Two good examples are Lindsey and Robert (two of my oldest male friends from way back in college and high school, respectively). They'd probably check my pupils and make sure I got home okay because I'd surely be drunk out of my mind or high, but they would never just jump right into bed with me. I'd like to think they value our friendship more than that. A friendship which would undoubtedly be changed afterwards.)

But why is this? How do women differentiate between "just friends" and "I'll be intimate with you"? And why is it so hard to become "more than friends" with a woman you've been "just friends" with for a long time? (Probably because she believes you to have no interest in her beyond friendship.)

The answer to this riddle is very interesting to me. (The answer to a riddle I'd find interesting is the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, but somehow I think the answer to your riddle will be less than fascinating.)

I believe that the answer comes down to understanding HOW women "know" when they want to "be intimate" with a man... and, even MORE importantly, understanding how women "know" when they DON'T want to "be intimate" with a man...

The thing that tells a woman whether the guy she's with is "friend" material or "lover" material is how she FEELS. (okay, I'll give you that… but duh!)

It's a combination of EMOTIONAL feelings and PHYSICAL feelings. (It's emotional, trust me. Physical has very little to do with it. Once you emotionally find someone attractive, then physical attraction just happens. There's no combination in the beginning. That dumb way he crinkles his nose when he laughs that you found incredibly ridiculous-looking when you first met… well, if you are emotionally attracted to him, the nose-crinkle can become endearing and even appealing. I made up the nose-crinkle – don't go dancing around that one.)

It is NOT logic. She might USE logic to "rationalize" her decision... or she might USE logic to SOUND like she has a good reason for either "being with" or "not being with" a particular guy. (Who does this fellow think he is? Why would a woman's rationalization need to be in quotations? And why would we need to "sound" like we have a good reason to be with someone? We're with him because of how we feel and how he makes us feel. You nailed that part. Why go patronize our feelings, moron?)

But don't let that distract you. Logic isn't important AT ALL in this context.

A woman FEELS something emotionally and/or physically, then she uses those FEELINGS as the basis for her "decisions" and actions with a particular guy. (Again with the quotations around the word decisions.)

If she feels that "Ewwww Yuck!" feeling, then her "logical" conclusion will probably not be that she wants to date the guy in question. (Sherlock) If she feels that "It's Gettin' Hot In Here" feeling, then her "logical" conclusion will probably be that this guy is interesting and attractive, and a good "choice" to date. At this point she'll take ACTION on her feelings and thoughts.

FEEL--->THINK--->ACT

First the FEELING, then the THOUGHT... and THEN the action. (If a few shots of Patron are on hand, then it may be act, think, feel. But I digress.)

Now with this in mind, how do most guys behave around women that they're "romantically" interested in? What do they do to get the woman that's the object of their desires to be with them?

Take a few minutes to think about this. Now take a look at your list. I'll bet that almost every single thing on your list was something "external". (Speaking of external, punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, Mr. Writer.)

In other words, your list probably contains things like "Take her to dinner" and "Give her compliments" and "Buy her flowers" and "Call her often". These are all things that demonstrate that he's INTERESTED. They are NOT things that trigger those emotional and physical feelings inside of a woman that tell her that THIS IS THE GUY. (True. I'll give you that.)

In other words, men try to use "props" to LET A WOMAN KNOW HE'S INTERESTED... ...HOPING that when the woman sees these displays she'll be interested in him. Almost NONE of the things men do to court women make women FEEL ANYTHING even remotely similar to "Attraction" and "Arousal".

The PROBLEM with this kind of thing is that it makes TWO HUGE MISTAKES at once.

First, it's just the plain-old wrong way to go. Telling or showing a woman that you "like her" has no effect on how she feels about YOU. In the moment it sure seems to make sense... "If I show her how I feel, she'll return the feelings". Duh. Like I said, it seems like the right thing to do in the moment (when your inner little girl has a big fat crush). But it's not... it will have NO effect on her feelings for you.

And second, it communicates clearly that YOU DON'T GET IT. It tips a woman off INSTANTLY that you're not hip to what's going... and it kills your chances with her. Trying to show how you feel can actually HURT your chances with a woman. (Wrong. Don't play games with her. It's okay to say it once… if she doesn't feel the same then continuing can hurt your chances. Not before.)

If you DON'T get it, PLUS you're trying to compensate for the fact that you don't get it with gifts and compliments, then you're REALLY screwed (or not screwed, as the case may be). (Oh-ha-ha, such a comedian)

Remember what I'm about to tell you. Burn it into your mind. Write it on a sticky-note and put it on your computer monitor...

SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WATCH MEN TRY TO WIN THEM OVER ALL DAY LONG. THEY KNOW WHEN A GUY DOESN'T "GET IT"... AND
THEY'RE ANNOYED WHEN A GUY WHO DOESN'T "GET IT" JUST KEEPS TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING. (AND YOU JUST DON'T GET THIS CAPS THINGS DO YOU!?) (On a more serious note, the later part of that sentence is true. Once you've gotten the no, don't keep trying.)

The point is that if you DON'T GET IT, then nothing you do is going to work for you. The problem is bigger than you can imagine, and you're going to need to take a totally different road to get where you're going... (He thinks he's Will Smith.)

WHAT ATTRACTIVE WOMEN HATE MOST ABOUT SINGLE GUYS

Let's return to where we started. There are a few particular things that REALLY annoy single, attractive women. One of the reasons that these things annoy women is because they're DEAL KILLERS. A woman can like everything about you, but if you do these things (or even ONE of these things), it can DESTROY your chances of success with a particular woman.

Here are a few of the BIG things that single women hate:

1) Giving Up Your Status In Exchange For Her Attention And Approval

If I had to describe the one single thing that both annoys women and DESTROYS a guy's chances, it would be this.

Men, in effect, say "Hi, I want your approval and attention. I'm willing to let YOU be the one who's in control... and let YOU call the shots... and do anything to please YOU... if you'll give me your attention and approval". (I have NOT met this man - ever.)

But the problem is that women DON'T WANT you to give up your status and "manliness". Women aren't ATTRACTED to men who act weak and tentative. Women secretly HATE IT when a guy does something to demonstrate that he'll give away his power in return for approval. (What the hell!?)

THEY HATE IT! (WHAT THE HELL!?)

I could literally write an entire book on this one single concept. (I'd get a kick out of red-penning that, sucker.)

(No, we don't want you to change in the sense that you "give away your power in return for approval." But who the hell said you have power? Power of what? Power over who? I don't get that comment at all.)

2) Being Needy, Clingy, And Insecure

When one person "clings" to another person "psychologically", the person who is being "clinged to" RESENTS and REJECTS the needy, clingy emotional parasite... This is WUSS behavior at its worst.

If a guy is on the phone with a girl he just met, and she says "Hey, I have to go", he might say "Aw, well... um... OK. Um, will you call me when you get home?". (I've never met this guy either.)

Or let's say a guy and a girl are out on their first date, and they're walking around in a large department store. Most guys will follow the woman everywhere, and not leave her side for a minute. If she wanders away, he'll come find her IMMEDIATELY. He'll stay physically close to her, as if he's afraid she'll leave without him. (Um… the guy who takes me to a department store for our first date is probably not getting a second date anyway. So, case closed.)

And an even worse example is a guy who is so emotionally insecure that he actually ASKS a woman to tell him that he's nice, fun, interesting, etc. "Do you think I'm interesting?" "Do you think we could ever have a relationship?" "Am I your type?"

Women HATE this stuff. It makes them shiver with the heebie-jeebies. It makes them want to RUN AWAY. (Not completely true. Don't ask if I think you're an interesting person. Not those words. But I think it's perfectly acceptable to clarify if you find one another romantically intriguing. Best not to be lead on.)

3) Not Leading - And Even Worse, Trying To Get Her To Lead

Women have WUSS-DAR. One of the things that triggers a woman's WUSS-DAR is a man who FOLLOWS.

The REAL problem is that most women won't try to LEAD naturally. (Because I understand the context of this sentence, I'm not gonna nail you on it. But watch it, buster.)

So you've got a situation where a man is trying to FOLLOW a woman who isn't LEADING. He's looking for little cues so he knows where to go and what to do... but he isn't getting them. So what does he do? He ASKS for them! He says "So, I was thinking of maybe taking you to Olive Garden for dinner... how does that sound?". (Okay, so I've accepted a second date with the Disney writer dude. And he asked me, "I was thinking of dinner and drinks at Big River Grill or House of Blues. Do you have a preference?" I don't see one thing wrong with that. It doesn't make me think he's a wuss for asking what I prefer. I mean, he doesn't know me at this stage in the game. Better to ask than to just assume. What if he'd said meet me at this great sushi place…)

Everything about the way he asks says to the woman "I'm trying to figure out what you want me to do... please help me know how you want me to act, where you want me to take you, and what you want me to say". (No. What the woman interprets is this - "I'm trying to get to know what you like." It's that simple. We don't think you're a wuss for asking what we like.)

This is ATTRACTION DEATH!

4) Using Insecure, Approval-Seeking, Low-Status Posture, Gestures, Voice Tone, And Body Language

There's a term that single, attractive, in-demand women use to describe men who use weak, approval-seeking posture, gestures, comments, and mannerisms... The term is "NICE". "He's nice... but... there's no chemistry."

This is one of those areas that's not easy to talk about. Since SO DAMN MANY GUYS do this stuff, it's almost impossible to explain. It's like trying to tell a fish that they're not going to get anywhere in life if they stay wet. The fish doesn't even KNOW it's wet in the first place. (Nice analogy. Yeah, I said it was "nice.")

Go spend a day observing couples. Go places where couples that have just met spend time together. Bars, clubs, coffee shops, whatever. (Yeah, not department stores.)

Now watch the GUYS. Watch how they lean towards the women. Watch how they raise their eyebrows in exaggerated response to women's comments. Watch how they slump over, let their shoulders fall forward, and smile fake-ly at whatever the women say. If you're close enough, listen to how men ask questions and make comments with a voice tone that says "I'm insecure and I'm trying to be extra nice to compensate for it".

You'll see it EVERYWHERE.

In fact, you'll see it so much that you'll probably write me back to tell me that I'm the one who's crazy, and that since it happens so much, it must be "the right way". (You're crazy, but…)

If there's one thing that triggers an attractive single woman's WUSS-DAR, it's a man's posture, gestures, eye contact, voice tone, etc. It all happens in an INSTANT. Women read this stuff and interpret it as instantly and accurately as you read and interpret the cover of Playboy. NO ANALYSIS NECESSARY.

I'd say that probably 90% of all men alive today INSTANTLY disqualify themselves with women because of this problem.

Their voice tone, gestures, posture, etc. TELEGRAPH the message that they're a WUSS. (I'm beginning to think Mr. DeAngelo might be a black-leather-jacket-wearing, greasy-haired, pimp-wanna-be who drives some ridiculously over-priced sports car to compensate for… other things. I mean, what is his obsession with being a wuss?)

They do a thousand weird little things to let a woman know that they're uncomfortable and "not being themselves". And you guessed it... Single women HATE IT! (In the beginning, I'm probably uncomfy and not being myself either. Big hairy deal.)

5) Not Understanding That She's A Woman And You're A Man

I'm about to get philosophical on your ass, so be cool. (Bring it on.)

When it comes down to it, most men don't understand women. But the REAL kicker is that most men don't understand MEN, either! (But you do, right?)

Most guys don't know what it's like to get in touch with their MALE NATURE. (And that's not a wuss-like statement?)

Combine these two issues, and you get a guy who behaves in ways that DO NOT trigger ATTRACTION in women.

Women have a "nature". A female nature. (This is a surprise.)

Men also have a "nature". You guessed it, it's a MALE nature. (Blow me down!)

Women are coy. They like to play hard to get. (Not true.) They like to enjoy the chase. They love anticipation. They love to "let a guy catch them"... (We like to be caught off-guard… like with the first kiss… but not as general as you just made that statement. That's a very Pepe Le Pew statement of you. Think about that one. He too thought the black cat was playing hard to get, didn't he?)

Men are competitive. Men are dominant. Men like to play rough games, win things, and rule their territory. (Har Har Har, Tim Allen)

Well guess what? Most men don't BEHAVE like men when they're in the presence of a woman that they "like". (And that's a bad thing?)

Women like men. Men like women. There are POWERFUL causes at play here. (Dr. Phil?)

When you're around a woman you like, don't act like a GIRLY-MAN. It's not sexy, and it's not attractive... And single women HATE IT! (O-M-G!!!!!)

6) Not Being Interesting To Be Around

Underneath most behavior that I see most guys acting out is a "core belief" that goes like this: "I don't believe that an attractive woman would want to be around me just because she enjoys my presence... so I make up for it by saying and doing certain things that I hope she'll enjoy... and if she enjoys those other things enough, then maybe she'll want to spend more time with me."

Heavy, man.

Here's a profound thought:

I and several other guys I know have many women who call us often... just because they enjoy being around us. (Uh… is this fiction?)

These women would be happy just to be in the same room with us... and enjoy our company. (I do have to say, that even while Mr. DeAngelo is clearly taking an opportunity here to show off a little, the fact is that I would prefer to do nothing most times. I would love to have an evening sitting in the living room watching a rented movie with a big fat bowl of microwave popcorn. I would love to do nothing. We don't have to go someplace and spend tons of money. I would love to walk around the lake with my dog and my date – yeah, must love dogs to apply.)

And yes, these women CALL US. Often. (Bet you're in the friend-zone, shorty.)

Material gifts, food, flowers, and other "displays" have ZERO lasting value to a woman when it comes to how she FEELS about you... An attractive single woman wants a guy who LIGHTS HER UP. She wants to FEEL GOOD.

She wants mystery... she wants to laugh... she wants a challenge... she wants sexual tension... (all true)

7) Not Understanding Attraction

This is a BIGGIE. Women know very quickly if they're talking to a guy who understands himself and women... and who enjoys creating and building sexual tension. Women know if a guy speaks the SECRET LANGUAGE of "Sexual Communication". (Secret language? Dang it, I took French!)

The PROBLEM with ATTRACTION, and with success with women in general is that the things you need to DO to be successful are NOT OBVIOUS. They're "counter intuitive", in many cases. In other words, they're the OPPOSITE of what you'd THINK would make sense.

You have to do things like CREATE TENSION... stop doing something that she likes... give her time to miss you... etc. (Right… wrong… wrong. Tension is good, not doing things she likes is bad, giving her time to miss you is bad – bad – bad. Sounds like games. Bad. And while you're intentionally giving me time to miss you, I might believe you're not interested… I might say okay when the new guy asks me to get ice cream. If you're going to be busy or away for a while, then just say so. I'll wait. And I'll do the same for you. Generally, women are patient in that regard. But playing games with our heads like "giving us time to miss you" is cruel. And it'll come back on you, buddy.)

Single women HATE IT when a man doesn't understand ATTRACTION and how to communicate on this "other level". (Single women HATE IT when men pretend to understand what she's feeling. Just go with the flow. And if you want to know – ask. Ask your girl, not Mr. DeAngelo.)

Now that I've shared the mistakes, you need the next piece of the puzzle. If you're starting to realize how important it is to get this area of your life handled, then I recommend you make a commitment and take your education to a WORLD CLASS level. And what's the best way to do that?

Well, I've spent the last several years of my life figuring out exactly what does and doesn't work with women. I figured this stuff out for MYSELF... and then I took what I've learned and put it all together to help others learn as well.

(And this is the part when he tells you he's written a book! Mr. Self-Taught has written a book!)

You can try it out for a full 7 days, and if you don't see MASSIVE results, just let me know... and pay nothing. Download my eBook and sign up.



Your Friend,

David DeAngelo