So, I was cooking deer sausage in the oven this morning when my super-sensitive fire alarm detected smoke and began sounding. And before you even think it, no, I was not burning it! That dumb ole alarm would probably sound from boiling water.

I opened the windows and the door to create a draft and send the smoke out of the apartment. After about two minutes, feel-factor ten minutes, the alarm silenced.

I returned to the business of rushing around getting ready to leave for the set. No sooner than I picked up my toothbrush, the alarm began screeching its hideous beeps again. Now mind you, at that point, I had already turned off the oven, removed the sausage, turned on the fan above the stove, and had opened the windows.

Immediately, I grabbed a chair and stood on it while fanning the stupid, red-flashing alarm. But you must know, I already had a towel draped over it because I knew how sensitive it was. So, now I'm fanning an already covered alarm begging it to silence. With my foot, I pushed open the door and swung it back and forth to again create a draft.

Finally, the dang thing stopped.

So, I returned the chair, closed the door, reached for my toothbrush and... yep, you guessed it.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Stupid, freaking, son of a biscuit, dadblame fire alarm! At this point, I want to grab the nearest shoe and hammer the retarded piece of plastic into the wall. Or disable it. But 1) that's against the law; 20 I would be kicked out of my apartment if management found out; and 3) it would be my luck that when I left for set, my Christmas tree would catch fire and burn the entire complex down... and just you guess who the firemen would point at.

So, I opted for cursing at the taunting alarm. Apparently, my neighbors agreed with my sentiments because they began beating on the walls and yelling obscenities, too.

Oh, come on. Did they really think I had no idea how annoying the beeping was? I mean, I was standing in the same room as the frigging alarm.

Finally, the alarm silenced. But I wasn't to be fooled quite so easily. History repeats itself, right? I stood, glaring at the alarm, waiting. And it glared back at me... mocking me... daring me to make one more attempt at brushing my teeth.

To make a long story short, it screeched again and I ripped the alarm from the wall with my bare hands and hurled it out my 3rd story window.

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Do you know me even at all? I'm the girl who returns excessive change at the supermarket. I hate it, but I am. Do you really think I would have the tujungas to break a major law like tampering with a fire alarm? If I did, I wonder if I could plead self defense saying the fire alarm was actually tampering with my sanity.

Likely not.

Truth - the alarm eventually shut the heck up, I brushed my dang teeth, and I arrived at the stinking set ten minutes earlier than my call time... because that's the kind of nerd I am.