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My first experience in court. What a complete nightmare.

The day started lucky enough. Rather than paying $2.25 every half hour at Little Joe's Parking, I stumbled upon a metered parking spot on the street.

For those of you not living in Los Angeles County, finding street parking outside a courthouse/police station is equivalent to winning the lottery - all about chance and your odds are better to be struck by lightning... twice.

Then, as if the spot itself weren't grand enough, the previously parked vehicle left me with 5 hours of time on the meter. Five hours! So, I was able to save my quarters for a rainy day... or for the next time I street park, which is rare given my recent track record with parking tickets.

I entered the courthouse with twenty minutes to spare for my 1:30 pm court appointment to plea my case before the judge. I had it all planned out. I'd rehearsed my lines a thousand times. If need be, tears were in reserve. "Your honor, sir, as a gift, my brother had my tint legally installed in the state of Florida. I wasn't blatantly breaking the law. As soon as the highway patrol officer made me aware of California's no-tint law, I removed the tint so that I would be in compliance with the state's laws. It was not my intent to deliberately break the law, sir."

I was early, I had all the necessary documents to prove my tint had been removed, I was dressed professionally. I was prepared.

The elevator doors opened to the fourth floor and... 75 people stared back at me... each of them with a court appearance scheduled for 1:30 pm.

Twenty-five minutes later, we were led into the courtroom as a whole and placed in alphabetical order. I'm a "W"... second from the last... number 73 to appear. At that point, I seriously wondered if my 5 hours on the meter would be sufficient. How about that for irony? I was in the courtroom battling one ticket while my truck sat outside risking another ticket.

Then came the rules. "No reading, no writing, no gum-chewing, no hats, no sunglasses, no talking, no walking around, no cell phones, no beepers, no breathing." Well, the no breathing part was somewhat implied. I suddenly felt Hooch's pain when Tom Hanks brought him home and gave him the grand tour.

But the rule that scared me most - "When you are called before the judge, you may say one of three things only. Guilty, no contest, or not guilty. Those are the ONLY words you may say. If you say guilty you are admitting guilt. If you say not guilty, you are electing to have a trail by jury and may say nothing more today in your defense."

That's when I started to get nervous. I didn't know what to say! And they never explained no contest. I had no clue what that meant.

I don't know the terminology!

Then an officer announced that if the judge allows you to present an explanation but does not accept the explanation, then you will be responsible for paying 220% of the original fee associated with your citation. That would be mean I would have to pay over $300.

It was just tint!

I just wanted to go downstairs and pay my $111 and leave the courthouse and never come back. I was afraid of the judge. I was afraid of what to say or not to say. I wanted to call home and ask what no contest meant, but I wasn't allowed to use my cell phone. I wanted to ask my neighbor, but I wasn't allowed to talk. I wanted to get up and run, but I wasn't allowed to move. I wanted to scream or hyperventilate, but I wasn't allowed to breathe.

My heart was beating wildly. I wondered just what the heck I had gotten myself into. I didn't belong there in a courtroom.

It was just tint!

"All rise."

That's when the judge entered the courtroom. My plan was shot. "Your honor, sir" turned out to be a "Your honor, ma'am." The tears were not going to work and I had no plan B.

Since I was nearly last, I was able to hear most cases. I figured it would be opportunistic to observe all the cases and pleas and learn what to and what not to do.

Somewhere around case number 30, a man approached the judge with a window tint case. Perfect! My ears perked up and I paid close attention. But when she asked him if he were able to pay $8,000 and he answered no and was obtained by a bailiff and was taken out of the room, I freaked!

It was just tint!

I might just cry after all.

To make a long story short (and believe me it was hours in that courtroom), I got off with a $10 dismissal fee. The judge dropped the citation and the $111 fine.

Well, I have to go. I have research to do. I am going online to teach myself how to install my own tint.